My Kind of Woman

A beautiful message about growing old:

Well, shit......
Now I forgot what it was.

Well, CRAP

And on top of all the other crap going on around here, my 16 year-old refrigerator died. Just in time for a nice holiday weekend. Hopefully I can find something on sale.

The Economy is So Bad:

1. I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

2. CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

3. Hot wheels and Matchbox cars are now trading higher than GM cars.

4. McDonald's is selling the 1/4-ouncer.

5. People in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

6. The most highly-paid job is now jury duty.

7. People in Africa are donating money to Americans.

8. Motel Six won't leave the light on.

9. The Mafia is laying off judges.

10.. The bank returns your check marked "insufficient funds"...You have to call the bank and ask if they meant you or them.

It was a bit hot yesterday

6pm Hard to see, but it says 112.

Trip Cancelled

When the kids got back from Summer Camp, they told me that they had decided that they did not want to go to Kentucky this year. I told them it was their decision and wasn't about to force them to go. I also told them it was up to them to explain things to their grandfather.

So, I emailed him to give him the bad news.

Several days went by and he finally called to talk to them. (Start MAJOR guilt trip)

Well, they stood firm and explained that they just didn't want to spend time away from home this year, maybe next year.

And being the kind of adult he is, he exploded just like I figured he would, told them that was it, they'd never hear from him again and hung up the phone. That really bothered the oldest one, but he didn't cave, but he did wake me up about 0230 to let me know he was still upset. The Bug didn't seem to care.

Not real sure exactly how this is going to play out over the next few weeks/months, but I'm pretty sure they won't be any birthday/Christmas presents coming from Kentucky.

Oh, did I happen to mention he's also a Baptist Minister???

TMZ.COM is reporting that Michael Jackson has died

"We've just learned Michael Jackson has died. He was 50.

Michael suffered a cardiac arrest earlier this afternoon at his Holmby Hill home and paramedics were unable to revive him. We're told when paramedics arrived Jackson had no pulse and they never got a pulse back.

Michael is survived by three children: Michael Joseph Jackson, Jr., Paris Michael Katherine Jackson and Prince "Blanket" Michael Jackson II.

Jackson had 13 number one hits during his solo career."

Barack Obama was looking for a call girl.

He found three such girls in a local pub, a blond, a brunette and a redhead.

To the blond he said, 'I am the President of the United States.. . . How much would it cost me to spend some time with you?'

She replied, '$200'.

To the brunette he said, 'I am the President of the United States.. . .. How much would it cost me to spend some time with you?'

She replied, '$100'.

He then asked the redhead.

Her reply was, 'Mr. President, if you can get my skirt up as high as my taxes, my pants down as low as my wages, get that thing of yours as hard as the times we are living in, keep it rising like the price of gas, and keep me warmer than it is in my apartment and screw me the way you plan to do the veterans and the retirees...... then it won't cost you a cent!

Oh, YUK!

The next dump you take could be used to build a school in Japan. Plus other ways your waste is too valuable to just flush.

Here's a good example...

...of why California is broke.

"They say the number of abandoned phone lines could reach 16,000 - a cost of about $3 million annually."

And that's just in LA!

Parenting FAIL

Huge Tornada Slams Nebraska

Yet another Mother of the Year candidate.

Leaving on a Jet Plane

I'm sending my little snowflakes to Kentucky for a couple of weeks to visit their sort of grandparents. I WAS going to just send them alone (they're 11 and 14) until I read this. Now I guess I'm going to go with them...

I need to quit drinking.............

.....before I do something stupid like tell the lady across the street that her and her 2 kids to live here for a while till she gets her shit together.


Ooooopppppsssss, too late.

THESE FUCKING NIGHTMARES HAVE TO STOP

it'a nearly 5 am, Saturday morning.
I'm awake - again. Why you ask?

Because I was having one of those dammed nightmares, and in the dream I got tasered......and I pissed all over myself.

That's why I'm awake.

HIV in the porn industry.

Who knew?

Bored to tears

It's 2pm. I have not had one official phone call or email all day.

I'm about ready to blow this joint, but I just know as soon as I change clothes and take one step out the door, the boss is gonna want something that just can't wait till Monday.

Screw it. Changing clothes.

Wildlife Photography FAIL

Socialized Medical Care

If the Obama Health Care Plan actually happens, we're ALL gonna have to buy a microscope.

Do you have any idea.....

...how much insomnia SUCKS!!!

I had something interesting happen

We have a "Party Supply" store in the are and I stopped in to find about a hundred small balloons the kids could use for water balloon fights. Found them, 50 - 5" balloons per pack.

Grabbed a couple, went to the counter to have them scanned.

I hand them to the clerk to scan.

"They're not in the system."

So I was expecting - "PRICE CHECK ON AISLE 9"

Nope. Company policy states that if an item has not been entered into the system, the customer gets it free.

Amazing.

Dreams & Screams

Lately I've been plagued with a shitload of bad dreams. One in particular is still crystal clear even after several days. It's was total reality - sights, sounds, full technicolor, full tactile sensations - everything.

Here's how it went:

I had just fallen asleep when the phone rings. I crawl out, answer the phone, and it's the boy's grandfather demanding to know when they're coming to visit. I grab a smoke, walk out the back door , whine cause the porch is cold and begin just yelling and screaming into the phone, telling him:

" I'M THEIR FATHER! I'LL DECIDED WHEN THEY GO, IF THEY GO AND WHEN THEY COME HOME!"

I slam the phone down and crawl back in bed.


Woke up the next morning and this "memory" was so real, I emailed him, told him what happened, apologized if it actually happened and then ignored his response for 2 days.

It never happened. I still remember nearly every detail, just like it was yesterday. Damnedest thing that's ever happened to me.

I've got to be careful of those ice cream/anchovy sundays before bed.

Wasted Days and Wasted Nights!

I spent all day today - 9+ hours - in an IT conference. No computer, no Internet access.
Go figure. And the same thing tomorrow.

I'd rather be at work.

Interesting

Hawaii government finds rare Lincoln document but no sign of a very important birth certificate.

Government HealthCare

Have you heard about the birth control part of Obama's Government Health Care Plan?

All men will be given a picture of Nancy Pelosi - Naked.
Women will a naked Dick Chaney photo.

Problem solved.

WOW

The site's been down since 2 June and wonder of wonders, blogger finally got it fixed!!!

YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!

China

That bastion of human rights and decency, electrocutes kids who they say have an Internet addiction.

And this is exactly why.....

.....I never travel in uniform.

Imagine This

You work for a company that's having a bit of financial trouble and your department is instructed to cut one position. Do you:
A. Cut the most junior member, thereby saving the company just a little bit of money

or

B. Retire the most senior member eligible for retirement, saving the company even more money

or

C. Eliminate a position that was neither filled nor funded, saving the company absolutely ZERO?

If you chose C. welcome to the world of state government.

And BTW, my job is now safe, so I guessed it all worked out ok.

Tuesday is International Whores Day

Oh, and there's a price war happening in Amsterdam's "Red Light District"

Not a good day

Looks like I'm in real danger of losing my job.....just 15 months shy of retirement.